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December 05, 2005
snowing in syracuse
i've been waiting for the snow. and i never thought i'd hear myself say that, but it's true. we didn't have hardly any snow in november, but finally, in the first week of december, it's here.
i'm so thankful that the semester is coming to a close. i've been all over the place. and now that the holidays are approaching, i'm feeling kinda anxious. i've gotta figure out how to spend my time. a little time here and a little time wears me out. divorce and blended families.
a dear friend of mine lost her mother right before thanksgiving, and the memorial service was this afternoon. actually, it wasn't a memorial service per se as much as it was a celebration of her life. friends and loved ones gathered to share happy stories. as i was listening and looking around the room, my thoughts were with my father. and i guess these kinds of things make you think about those kinds of things, right? it's been hard for me these past few years being so far away from my father. if i haven't told you about him, stick around. you'll hear plenty about the most wonderful dad in the whole universe. i don't guess i'm any different from any other daddy's girl. the idea of my father's passing saddens me. and every time i go home to visit, he's gotten a little older. watching him age has been most difficult. and i don't know if i'm responding to his aging or responding to his response to his aging. he always tells me: "growing old ain't no fun." he's got bad knees from years of pitching fast-pitch softball. starting a business after retiring from 31 years in the military has done its toll. he's just getting old. makes me wonder about the choices i've made. was this the time for graduate school? should i have left the family business? will i have kids in time for them to know their grandfather? i don't know.
a lot of my anxiety stems from my fear of not being able to take care of myself. dad and i were talking the other day and laughing about the fact that today, at 33 years old, i still call my dad about any major decision. for instance, i just bought my 1st laptop. i had dad on my cell phone and was relaying the messages from the best-buy representative. i could not buy a laptop without his direct input. if my dad thinks it's a bad idea, chances are i won't do it. my other brothers and sisters aren't like that. i mean they'll seek dad's advice, but not in the way that i do. talking in circles again. i'm working thru lots of stuff. and i've been trying to figure out a way to be there for my friend and to let her know that i'm here.
just finished reading The Black Macho and the Myth of the Superwoman by Michele Wallace. my mind has been spinning since i started reading that book. i don't even know where to start. let me marinate on it for a few days...
poem for the day
"The Negro Speaks of Rivers"
Langston Hughes
I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
bosom turn all golden in the sunset.
I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
Posted by emnorris at December 5, 2005 03:56 AM